(CBS) Controversial decisions have been the lifeblood of "Dancing with the Stars." How could last night's results show offer anything different?
While the very narrowest of minds have been offering boorish commentary on the queer girl who is now a straight guy, it was the queer eye for the straight guy who was summarily gouged from the proceedings. We'll eye that up shortly.
First, let's discover that Hope Solo admitted that she's been losing it over the last week. Goalkeepers don't like to lose anything, never mind "it."
"Because I keep trying and trying and nothing's ever good enough," she explained. Oh, Hope. We've all had weeks like that. We've all had relationships like that. We've all had lives like that.
But then Solo blurted: "I don't think I can do this any more." Please, don't worry. That was straight after the dance. She was still there at the results show - still there to be told that she was "in jeopardy". (Reminder: this means absolutely nothing.)
As an interlude we had Kelly Clarkson, who sang and resisted the offer of a place on the next series of "Dancing with the Stars". She didn't think she was a good dancer.
We also had The Band Perry, none of whom was offered a place on the next series. Which seemed appalling discrimination against the contemporary country artists of our time.
But back to the results show revelations: Cheryl Burke was glad that Rob Kardashian had manhandled her; Kym Johnson merely wanted David Arquette to be "nice and calm"; Arquette is annoying even backstage; Karina Smirnoff really wants to win and has reportedly even postponed her wedding to Detroit tigers pitcher Brad Penny because J.R. Martinez is offering her a chance of glory.
Arquette was told he was in jeopardy. Even behind his shades, you could feel his eyeballs racing around his head.
Meanwhile, Inaba was heard to say after Chaz Bono's dance: "He just makes you smile."
The footage then showed Bono walking off the floor with partner Lacey Schwimmer telling him: "Your fly was open the whole time." I am sure the two facts weren't at all related.
Finally, the always ebullient Kressley. "I'd rather have a great time and mess up a little bit than be perfect and boring," he said after his dance. Which was lucky, because he was never going to be perfect (Or boring). His jive really had been a remarkable spectacle, but not one that you would readily associate with dancing of any kind.
You just knew he was going to be in jeopardy. Unlike Bono, who was swiftly told he was safe. As was Nancy "Former Georgia Cheerleader" Grace. When Kressley was told he was in jeopardy the audience booed, only for startlingly startled presenter Brooke Burke Charvet to offer: "A hush came over the ballroom."
Tom Bergeron had to set her straight: "Sounds like a pretty angry hush."
The last two (but not the last two) were Kressley and Solo. This was merely Jeopardy Central, not Bottom Two Central. Even before Bergeron brought the drawbridge down on his head, Kressley said to his partner Anna Trebunskaya: "You did a great job." He'd already espied with his queer little eye that he was about to be booted.
More boos erupted. Catcalls rained down like spiked confetti. Might we have enjoyed our first "Dancing with the Stars" riot? Perhaps there weren't enough English people in the audience.
"I hope I could make people smile and laugh and have a great time," said a perfectly composed Kressley.
"The ultimate injustice to me," intoned Bergeron. "One week shy of Broadway Week." I believe this was some kind of reference to the notion that queer guys allegedly enjoy musicals.
"In his mind, Carson Kressley is one of the dancers," explained Trebunskaya. In many minds, though he really wasn't much of a dancer at all, it was still a shame to see him walk the plank.
Kressley, meanwhile, said that the best thing about the show was that it had given him the courage just to try new things.
"This week, Dancing with the Stars. Next week, Governor of Texas," he said. Texas should be so lucky.